Expectations

Please join me in welcoming this month’s guest blogger, Trish Robbins.  Trish is a wife and mother of two sons.  Thank you Trish for sharing your insights on expectations and how they affect our relationships.

While attending a book club, a sister in Christ proclaimed, all mushy-gushy like with dreamy eyes and her hands placed tenderly over her heart, “I love love.” She is all flowery, sweet and gooey; a real girlie-girl if you know what I mean. I teased her by pretending to put my finger down my throat and gag to keep from going into a sugar coma.
I am not a girly-girl by any stretch of the imagination. There is nothing frilly about me; no lace or ribbons here. I grew up a tomboy and enjoyed playing softball into my 30’s. I tend to be more logical and analytical than my female counterparts. Trying to relate to women that are all touchy-feely with emotions oozing everywhere poses a real challenge to me. Before you begin to think I am cold-hearted and calloused, I want you to know that I am not void of emotions (even more so now that I am over the hill and sliding toward menopause), but logic tends to rule my very being. I absolutely love wisdom.
There are a few things I believe we females all have in common. They are called “expectations.” I have always held high expectations for myself and those around me. I believed it gave us something to shoot for to keep us from falling into mediocrity. Sometimes the expectations were verbalized. Most of the time, they were not. The expectations were always high above our heads; you couldn’t simply reach up and grab them. You couldn’t even jump up and touch them. Come to think about it, we probably needed a fire truck’s telescopic ladder to reach those babies. But I figured it was okay, because it was simply a tool to perfect us. It’s all good… right? WRONG! It was bad; very, very bad.
What I failed to realize was that my expectations were putting major strains on my relationships. The expectations were not good at all. Most of the time I felt let down and disappointed. Those around me just were not able to measure up. To be honest, they didn’t even come close. Sometimes my disappointment, if left unchecked, moved to bitterness, which quickly slid to resentment. Becoming critical and judgmental soon followed. At this point, the poor unsuspecting soul could do nothing right. You may recognize the pattern. It becomes a vicious cycle that leaves you disgruntled, discontented and without much hope for change.
So what is one to do? At first, I tried to lower my expectations. I struggled with this concept because it felt like I was letting people off the hook. I couldn’t imagine saying, “I’m sorry, but you are just not measuring up, so I am lowering my expectations for you.” It just sounds so wrong! Surprisingly, lowering my expectations allowed me to begin accepting people for who they were, with all their faults and frailties. After all, I was well aware of how far I was from perfect, even on a good day. That is when it hit me. How in the world could I hold others accountable for not reaching my expectations for them, when I couldn’t even reach the expectations I set for myself?
I found that lowering my expectations was not enough, because people were just tripping over them. Anything outside the realm of expectations for myself was dangerous territory. So… I got a shovel! I began to dig and dig and dig until I buried those babies! (Hey! I had a lot of expectations.) WOW! What a difference; it was so freeing. No longer dogged by disappointment, my relationships began to flourish. 1 Peter 4:8 says, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” Accepting others for who they are, and not what I thought they should be, allowed me to begin loving deeply. Where turmoil once brewed, peace now resided. Where judgment had ruled, mercy and grace grew. Genuine love covered over all the faults and failures. Patience, kindness, gentleness, peace and unity preside. So I ask, are you loving deeply?